What do "outsiders" see looking in..............??
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| The carosel wheel and mulberry tree. With the cabin I grew up in the back ground. |
I don’t know how so-called “professionals” can presume to
say they know what went on on the homestead. First of all, they weren’t there.
They didn’t see anything. They don’t know anything. They don’t know what happened.
Do they imagine that all the siblings were lined up in a pretty row like in the
pictures in the newspaper with smiles all in one place at one time? Do they
think we all think alike, have the same experiences, were treated exactly
alike? Do they know anything about mind control, brainwashing, severe abuse? Do
they realize many times the siblings were separated in different cabins/sheds/tents
throughout acres of woods/fields where you could not hear/see anything? Do they
realize that some siblings are much older or younger than other siblings and witnessed
totally different things. Do they know the leader (my father) had a special
language (codes) he used within his own family? Do they know that people on the
outside viewed us as weird, odd? We were asked if we were refuges, from
different countries. We were made fun of for being odd, called “retarded" by teenagers. Do
they realize that our father made us completely “unbelievable” to anybody? No
matter what we say we sound delusional. For years I have had to lie even to
therapists about my background because they thought it sounded crazy or laughed
at me. We worked hard at making the lives we have now. It took amazing strength
and guts. I just want to say to all my siblings: I AM AMAZINGLY PROUD OF
YOU!!!!!
When approached by someone about my background, my first
response to lie. Until recently I was not willing to even face what happened to
me. Professionals need to realize that someone coming from a very traumatic
background that has been subject to mind-control and brainwashing is going to
lie or be in denial. Some people have blocked out most of the traumatic details
and are trying to move on with their lives.
I left the homestead in 1994. I went through my share of
denial, self-hate, drinking, and have come to terms with the abuse in my own
time. It only took me 18 years. Somebody who just left the homestead two years or
even 10 years might not have come to terms with the abuse yet and it would be
wrong to force them to try do that.
i believe everything you say you have been through.your father is a very sick man i cant believe he has been allowed to continue as long as he has.you are a very strong person and your fight is not over yet.don t stop fighting until justice is served and the rest of your family is safe.none of this is your fault and yes kids can be cruel no matter where your from.i wish there was something more i could do to help you and your siblings.family is everything and you should be a part of your siblings life.it is time to put your father away and start the healing.my prayers are with all of you
ReplyDeleteI found your blog last evening and read it all. I am so sorry for the abuse that you suffered. We went to the homestead week in the late 90's. Our family left in the middle of the week, but I do remember there being some issue with one of the kids going to the hospital before that week, and your dad talking about being able to hide on his property from authorities. I wondered what he had to be afraid of; I think I know now.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for your continued recovery and for any children that are still at home.
Blessings,
Amanda
I believe you! As a person also from an abusive family, two things in this post really stand out to me.
ReplyDelete"Do they realize that our father made us completely “unbelievable” to anybody? No matter what we say we sound delusional."
and
"Do they realize many times the siblings were separated in different cabins/sheds/tents throughout acres of woods/fields where you could not hear/see anything? Do they realize that some siblings are much older or younger than other siblings and witnessed totally different things."
Honestly your situation was much more severe than mine, but psychologist Viktor Frankl once wrote that all suffering is equal because it is like a gas; it expands to fill all available space in the heart. So without any more qualifying statements, I want to applaud your courage in talking about the abuse and seeking healing. Good for you!
Abusers are very good at marginalizing and denigrating their victims in the eyes of others. The ones most picked on are constantly derided as "rebellious, disobedient, liars". The goal by slandering the victim's character is that, if a child tells anyone the insanity that goes on, the person hearing them will find them unbelievable. I remember telling a counselor once what my mom was like and he responded, "Now, I've met your mother. She seems like a nice person. She can't be that bad."
Hopelessness and anger exploded in my young heart. There would be no help for me. She got there first and rigged the game. That was a sad, sad day in my life.
Siblings are isolated from one another emotionally, not wanting to associate with whoever is in trouble so as not to have the wrath redirected to themselves. Everyone keeps as low a profile as possible. My siblings and I were only separated by mere rooms, but it might as well have been acres of woods. Also, the oldest and youngest (we were only four) are still in denial, the youngest very much enmeshed psychologically with my mother (lived most of her life, even adult life, with or very near her and still does).
Just written to say, I get what you mean. And I wish you a great life full of happiness and good things. You deserve it!