This blog is dedicated to the healing of some of the daughters of the leader of the Catholic Homesteading Movement, Oxford, NY. A tribute to their memories, feelings and lives as they recover from abuse and seek justice and truth for all victims of abused children and women.
For me, one aspect of forgiveness is remembering but not getting that tight feeling in my chest. The only feeling left, if any, is a small bit of sadness. Sadness that it happened one way instead of another. Sadness for the other because they were/are not, or chose/choose not to be, strong enough to not try to wrong others.
I think this post may relate to your situation. http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/10/28/what-about-forgiveness/ Many people believe "forgiveness" is "reconciliation." However, if a person sexually, physically or mentally abused you, you have to move on and forgive without reconciling with the person/people. Forgiveness to me is finding your own inner peace and knowing the abuser cannot hurt you anymore.
You “forgive” those who did those horrible things to you. Even knowing that those memories will always be there, you NEVER really forget but you do allow yourself to “be free” from them. You realize that all the things that have happened in the past are what has given you the strength to become who you are. So you forgive them and in a way thank them because without those things happening would you really have gotten out?! Eventually maybe – but because of those things that were happening to you, you wanted out – no matter what the cost. You let them know that although they may have had an influence on you when you were younger they now have NO control, you are in control! The things they may say now mean nothing-not with what they have done – but you have to be better than that. You chose to leave, to better yourself, to put the past behind you, Forgiveness is being able to move on without regrets, hate or fear. Those feelings may linger but they will not consume you. It is once they start to consume you that you allow them to have control.
I hear so much about forgiveness! People put a lot of pressure on us to forgive, particularly where religion is involved. In my opinion, forgiveness is like anything else--it can be either a positive thing, or a negative thing. One of the problems with abusive relationships is that the abused person often (for whatever reason) forgives the abuser and gets abused again.
It's important to remember that we can choose. No one HAS to forgive anyone for anything. In fact, forgiveness is wasted on people who refuse to change. I forgave my own father many many times over the years and the result? Of course, he hurt us all again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I only made true progress when I decided NOT to forgive him anymore. I cut him out of my life completely and things got soooooo much better! And I feel no guilt about that. It was never MY shame to bear. As long as I don't forgive him, he cannot hurt me anymore. Forgiveness? People like my father and Richard Fahey should look for forgiveness from their God--not from their children. For them, it's just a tool used and abused in order that they can keep doing the wrongs that they do.
Forgive the people that deserve it--the ones who have the ability to learn and grow and become better at loving others. As for people who refuse to change? Walk right on past them! Walk right over the top of them--through them if you have to, but leave them behind!
In away, I believe everyone of these comments are correct. I too come from a home of physical abuse an mental abuse. I have taken an done all the steps in the comments before mine. Peazy's comment, I too believe is correct to a point, God is the person the abuser should be asking forgiveness from. I also believe it's got to be the abusee that makes the choice whether or not you want or ever want the abuser in your life again. My family is split an some of us have forgot an forgave, so they still have everything to do with the abusers. Then there are the ones of us that have not yet forgotten or forgave it all, an still can grasp the why & how. I personally have cut the abusers from my life as of now an have for 8 yrs now. I was 5 yrs old when all these things started happening to me, I left home at 17, I am now 34,I don't want to say that I never will ever again have anything to do with my mother or stepfather but as of now No. I still believe forgiveness is whatever you feel in your heart, how you feel in your heart & who you truely want in your heart. No one gets to tell you what forgiveness is.... Forgiveness is what you choose for it to be, regardless how it makes others feel or think, because in the end your the only person that has to live with the decisions you have made.... I wish you Luck, Love, & Happiness along your journey of life !!!
For me, one aspect of forgiveness is remembering but not getting that tight feeling in my chest. The only feeling left, if any, is a small bit of sadness. Sadness that it happened one way instead of another. Sadness for the other because they were/are not, or chose/choose not to be, strong enough to not try to wrong others.
ReplyDeleteI think this post may relate to your situation. http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/10/28/what-about-forgiveness/
ReplyDeleteMany people believe "forgiveness" is "reconciliation." However, if a person sexually, physically or mentally abused you, you have to move on and forgive without reconciling with the person/people. Forgiveness to me is finding your own inner peace and knowing the abuser cannot hurt you anymore.
You “forgive” those who did those horrible things to you. Even knowing that those memories will always be there, you NEVER really forget but you do allow yourself to “be free” from them. You realize that all the things that have happened in the past are what has given you the strength to become who you are. So you forgive them and in a way thank them because without those things happening would you really have gotten out?! Eventually maybe – but because of those things that were happening to you, you wanted out – no matter what the cost. You let them know that although they may have had an influence on you when you were younger they now have NO control, you are in control! The things they may say now mean nothing-not with what they have done – but you have to be better than that. You chose to leave, to better yourself, to put the past behind you, Forgiveness is being able to move on without regrets, hate or fear. Those feelings may linger but they will not consume you. It is once they start to consume you that you allow them to have control.
ReplyDeleteI hear so much about forgiveness! People put a lot of pressure on us to forgive, particularly where religion is involved. In my opinion, forgiveness is like anything else--it can be either a positive thing, or a negative thing. One of the problems with abusive relationships is that the abused person often (for whatever reason) forgives the abuser and gets abused again.
ReplyDeleteIt's important to remember that we can choose. No one HAS to forgive anyone for anything. In fact, forgiveness is wasted on people who refuse to change. I forgave my own father many many times over the years and the result? Of course, he hurt us all again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I only made true progress when I decided NOT to forgive him anymore. I cut him out of my life completely and things got soooooo much better! And I feel no guilt about that. It was never MY shame to bear. As long as I don't forgive him, he cannot hurt me anymore. Forgiveness? People like my father and Richard Fahey should look for forgiveness from their God--not from their children. For them, it's just a tool used and abused in order that they can keep doing the wrongs that they do.
Forgive the people that deserve it--the ones who have the ability to learn and grow and become better at loving others. As for people who refuse to change? Walk right on past them! Walk right over the top of them--through them if you have to, but leave them behind!
In away, I believe everyone of these comments are correct. I too come from a home of physical abuse an mental abuse. I have taken an done all the steps in the comments before mine. Peazy's comment, I too believe is correct to a point, God is the person the abuser should be asking forgiveness from. I also believe it's got to be the abusee that makes the choice whether or not you want or ever want the abuser in your life again.
ReplyDeleteMy family is split an some of us have forgot an forgave, so they still have everything to do with the abusers. Then there are the ones of us that have not yet forgotten or forgave it all, an still can grasp the why & how.
I personally have cut the abusers from my life as of now an have for 8 yrs now.
I was 5 yrs old when all these things started happening to me, I left home at 17, I am now 34,I don't want to say that I never will ever again have anything to do with my mother or stepfather but as of now No.
I still believe forgiveness is whatever you feel in your heart, how you feel in your heart & who you truely want in your heart. No one gets to tell you what forgiveness is.... Forgiveness is what you choose for it to be, regardless how it makes others feel or think, because in the end your the only person that has to live with the decisions you have made....
I wish you Luck, Love, & Happiness along your journey of life !!!
For me forgiveness is when those who have hurt me grasp and acknowledge the pain they have caused.
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